You Are Good Enough
Why is it so easy for us to say to our friends they are “good”, and we are proud of them, but we struggle so deeply with our own sense of self-worth. So many people I talk to are constantly chasing the “I’ll feel happy when___”, and rarely satisfied with themselves and their life. People can tell us they are proud of us, we’re a good friend, a good parent, a nice person, successful at what we do, yet we still feel “not good enough”.
I’m writing a workbook because for most of my life I have been told I need to build my self-esteem, and I hear it so often from friends and clients that they “need to work on their self-image”. The problem we have run into is the how.
What are actionable steps to building self-esteem, greater sense of self-worth, and more life satisfaction?
How can we stop chasing the “I’ll be happy when ____”?
Why are we never good enough to be worth of happiness and love?
After spending two decades in and out of counseling and spiritual trainings, a decade of schooling and training to become a psychotherapist, I have been seeking answers. I needed to know how we can trust ourselves more. To feel better. I want to share my tried and true steps to grow your self esteem and manage perfectionism.
Adler did not use the term “perfectionist” in the same way it is used today, but rather he discussed concepts related to the pursuit of perfection. Adler discussed people’s struggles with striving for flawlessness and high standards, accompanied by self-criticism. He spoke of the fear of failure & exaggerated feelings of inferiority. In an attempt to compensate for perceived shortcomings, many use external validation or achievement.
So, what exactly does that mean? Essentially, Adler theorized that people suffer when they expect their behaviors, actions, thoughts to be flawless. He discussed how the perfectionistic person talks to themselves in a harsh and critical way, putting themselves down and analyzing their every move. Often times they believe things are their fault and they’ve done something wrong. This makes them a “bad” person. Many perfectionistic people feel the best about themselves when other people tell them they did a good job/ didn’t do anything wrong/ have notable and measurable accomplishments.
Although people told them they were “good”, it did not help them in the long run. When people receive praise and affirmations they feel good temporarily, but these feelings are fleeting when you don’t believe it yourself. Let's consider the definition of "perfect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. It includes descriptions such as "being entirely without fault or defect: flawless," "satisfying all requirements: accurate," "corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept," and "faithfully reproducing the original."
Casually speaking, one might envision a perfect person as always looking impeccable, maintaining a harmonious relationship with their partner: never arguing, deeply in love, having a loving family with well-behaved children, enjoying numerous friendships, thriving in a successful career, and possessing financial security, all while never making mistakes. It's easy to let the imagination stretch further, picturing someone who consistently eats healthily, cooks like a gourmet chef, drinks 8-10 glasses of water daily, is always invited to social gatherings, never harbors negative thoughts or judgments about others, and never speaks ill of anyone. But does such a faultless individual truly exist?
Adler asserted that as long as we engage in relationships, we will encounter conflict. Conflict and emotional struggles are inevitable parts of life—so why are these realities so hard to accept for a perfectionist? To quote him, "The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well." One might wonder if the same could be said about "perfect people."
Reflecting on the earlier definition of perfection, it begs the question: Do perfect people really exist? Often, those perceived as "perfect," according to such a description, are individuals observed from a distance. On social media, around the neighborhood, or as friends of friends. It's a common aspect of the human condition to compare ourselves to others. We determine our social and personal worth by measuring ourselves against peers. When we compare ourselves, particularly in areas where we feel insecure or inadequate, we might view others as flawless, emphasizing their strengths while overlooking their weaknesses.
Our own insecurities and self-doubt can lead us to compare ourselves unfavorably. When feeling deficient in certain life aspects, we may project an idealized image onto others, assuming they possess qualities or achievements we desire but consider out of reach. Numerous factors, including social media, cultural and societal pressures, and even our imaginations, influence how we compare ourselves to others.
Let’s begin to dig into your stories in therapy!
